Bête-noir

I am a bad person.
I am a bad sister.
I am bad.
Despicable.
Disgrace.

I am ashamed of myself.
Of who I am.
Of what I do.
What I think.
What I feel.

I have been in a war.
With the demons.
Inside of me.
I tried to slay them.
Tame them, the least.

But they enraged.
They burn my soul.
Into ashes.
To no more.

I am choked.
By my own hatred.
My own enviousness.
In my book.
Blood is not that thicker than water.
Instead.
Jealousy is.

You are hurt.
I saw.
In your innocent eyes.
Seeking for forgiveness.
That I never willingly give.
Because I, too.
Need to forgive myself, first.

I can't give.
What you need.
As a sister.
And for that.
I owe you.
The rest of my life.

Sleep brother, sleep.
Dream brother, dream.
Hope brother, hope.
To stop hoping.
For a better sister in me.

-A